la caida libre/ bridge over troubled water

Cristian had once with my host mom and myself today, after some prime picture viewing of course (I am going to keep the word once in italics so as to ease the transition between thinking "once," like once upon a time, to thinking the meal once, like the Spanish numeral 11.)

I reached the threshold again, my mind in Spanish, where my mind changes into its highest possible functioning mindset in Spanish, where I can think completely in Spanish fairly easily and quickly, using my current abilities to the fullest, ¿cachai? I will stick with what I said before; the only way I can get to this point (subir) is after a long time of conversation, like an undetermined number of hours. Not from class, not from listening, not from being my myself, not from talking to gringos. Real active conversation where I respond and listen and respond, that's the way. It's the most fun way too. It is a natural high to get to this point, an incredible joy of accomplishing the seemingly impossible. It is hard to get there, and there are so many ways to fall back along the way... if I am interrupted, if there is a lull and I start unconsciously and unwillingly thinking in English, if someone talks in English, if I am tired and can't pay attention, if I just can't pay attention, which is part of my personality and always a persistent problem. But there I was, understanding, reacting, speaking, thinking, in SPANISH. The endorphins that you feel after exercise, the "runner's high," are similar experiences this same process. This is one of the most interesting aspects of my Chile experience. The language mind transition is incredibly interesting.

I have successfully conveyed what the "downward spiral" is. In English, it is the rapid degradation of my mental stability into almost a panic. It is set off by something that I can't do, like use the subjunctive for instance. From there I get to the point where I think I have the ability to do just about nothing. This is called caida libre, free fall. Since being in Chile I have gained confidence of course, enough that I appear much of the time to not be shy. That is odd, because as much as I like to try new things and push myself, I still have to force just that, force myself to be comfortable, not with everyone, because there are many people with whom I am very comfortable. I have to push certain aspects sometimes, confidence to gain opportunities. "nunca estás sola." nunca. Bridge Over Troubled Water came on the radio. How true it is that there are people there to carry you. siempre. Solo necesitas buscarlos.